I was feeling alone. For the first time on this trip I felt frustrated, by myself and crap. Feeling a bit crap got me to thinking.
I am actually grateful for the crap room I was in and the crap feeling I had. To be honest it was a nice reminder that ‘paradise’ isn’t always pretty. Happiness is a feeling that comes and goes and you can’t hold on to it, you can’t always feel it and it’s certainly not a consistent in life. I had a moment of being given a loving slap in the face. A nudge off of cloud 9. I realised I’ve been enjoying myself and been surrounded by people, which offered a nice and unnoticed distraction to some of my reasons for coming to Bali – everyone seems to come here for some personal development or search for escape.
Pahahahaaa, search for escape! Oh Tash. So cliché. I felt alone but actually I realised it felt good. This is one of the reasons I’m here, to be with myself and to experience a new land. The search for happiness is futile, pointless and a waste of time. No no, this isn’t a negative statement but a rather a fantastic one! I mean the search is pointless because relax, it’s already here. In what ever shape or form one’s experience – perceived good or bad, is all just perfect. How wonderful just to be experiencing.
It’s easy to miss the moments, the joy and the experiences. Feeling uncomfortable and frustrated is a wonderful thing, I’m living life! I’m in a strange land! In any search, when you feel you may have reached the end result, well then what? There is always something more we would want.
I am here in Bali, in an amazingly rich city, rich in culture, food, smells, monkeys, art, shopping, people! Is this not what I wanted? I had an overwhelming feeling of gratitude, gratitude for every moment of uncomfortable, including every mosquito bite. For all the beautiful things my eyes have absorbed, for the food good and bad – Bali belly included (yep, it’s a real thing) For all of it!